10 Ways to Blow Your Tax Rebate

Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle has a great column today about our tax rebate checks that are on their way. I've done a bit of editing, but you can read the whole article here.

But this part made me laugh outloud. Oh and his list? The beauty is in his details, but here's the list too [a list Letterman would be jealous of]. I'm saving my rebate for #10.

May 2, 2008


Here's the bad news: Your little recession-deflecting tax rebate? No rebate at all. Not even close.
It's more like this: You've been continuously mugged and beaten and robbed blind for the past seven years straight, and as you lay there on the cold, hard economic ground, bleeding and gasping and wondering what the hell happened to your vacation time and your health care plan and your mortgage payment, your attackers scoff and leer and toss a couple of bloodstained nickels on your pulverized face and mutter, here sucker, have some bus fare, and then they cackle and stomp away with all your loot and dignity and hope, back to the White House from whence they came.

What, too harsh? Not really. It's a lovely feeling, made even more sweetly ironic by the fact that Congress will likely soon shove through another $108 billion in war funds like a giant kidney stone through our collective fiscal urethra. Right there, that's about 500 bucks for each and every adult human in America, baristas and Baptists and NASCAR fans alike.

1)Pay off the porn bill? Hit the Vegas strip? Stock up on water and freeze-dried meats and a nice Bowie knife in preparation for the apocalypse? Not bad, not bad. Of course, you could also spend it on:
2) One share of Google
3) Four tanks of gas for the Escalade
4) A copy of Grand Theft Auto IV, three bottles of Stoli Vanilla, large hammer
5) IPod Touch, new Portishead album, bottle of absinthe
6) Three excellent meals at upscale sushi restaurant, attempting with each and every bite not to be painfully reminded of the depleted fish stocks and mercury poisoning and how just about every single game fish on the menu is overfished or horribly endangered or dying out or full of tiny little plastic pellets from the Pacific garbage patch.
7) Spiffy new Flip Video camera, copy of iMovie, small vial of unchecked insanity
8) Ticket to latest Judd Apatow flick, one dozen homemade pot brownies, never-used (but still active) gym membership from 1998
9) Ten-day silent meditation course/retreat
10) Party supplies for the massive bonfire/cleansing ritual we shall have at the beach on 01-20-09